I’d swear I started blogging because I got angry regularly. That I had experiences, which I would write about in exasperation, either to write it off or to publish one of my infamous Open Letters.
Nowadays it strikes me that the topics I could write about drop out with great regularity. Because they are too personal. Because they fall through because of my overly strict Inner Critic. Because I might feel a bit more ZEN than I used to. Or maybe I’ve written about everything before.
Well, that’s bullshit, of course.
Since you can change your point of view on a regular basis, subjects always remain interesting, if you can approach them from a certain point of view. And remain curious.
That brought me closer to doing a personal inquiry:
- Why have I recently become less angry?
- Am I now becoming sluggish (calm, sedate, easy-going, calm, snuggly)?
- Am I thinking too pragmatically, that is to say, am I just solving everything in silence, and in a nevertheless sighing and supportive way?
- Don’t I want to get too excited?
- Where is my curious and inquisitive nature then, because the results of a beautiful blog post speak for themselves? Even if it was shaped by anger.
- Do I still see the point of being angry now and then?
- Am I acquainted with the drawbacks of my possible anger?
- Or am I afraid that my angry blog posts will not be understood? After all, a woman who is angry simply will not be tolerated.
SO I STARED AT THE MEANING OF ANGRY FOR A WHILE:
angry (adj): bitten, exasperated, poisonous, wrathful, indignant, grim, angry, pissed off, irritable, wrathful, indignant, exasperated, upset, angry, furious, resentful. angry (adj): malicious, malicious, malicious, wicked, nefarious, depraved, hostile, sinful.
DISCONTENT FLAGS FLYING?
You understand, I am very often resentful about my own acceptance of the Being of Things. I must and will set everything Im Frage. And I would prefer to write all day long. Randomly. About anything and everything. But not just like that. There must be something deliberate behind it, which explains those jitters in the fingertips.
In short, I want to go back to that anger. That was a safe environment where I could just shoot at everything I didn’t like. After all, being ZEN is so cowardish. So halfheartedly. So tasteless too. I have to put in some more pepper, spice things up, as it were.
KNOW THY LIMITATIONS!
Perhaps I can then finally exceed my limits. And give myself that pep talk to write flaming blog posts again. Because not being able to write just like that makes me even more angry.