This state of urgency (of womanhood)

red alarm clock on black background
Photo by Engin Akyurt on

Being a woman I look back on making a lot of ‘wrong choices’. The way I look at it, I needed to get a driver’s license und thus a car to take me places. A roof over my head. A job that provided me with money. A man to have children with and not necessarily someone to stick with me for the rest of my life, as I’m not really religiously inclined. The Bible, something I decided at a young age, was not for me. All of these events should favourably have taken place before I was at the age of fortyfive, as I feared that that’s when menopause would set in for good.

Now, when I was eleven, my womanhood started at once. And thus my hormones ruled my future days. Like most ladies out there, these hormones were not always the easiest to bear with. So the doctor prescribed me ‘the pill’. Not merely to regulate my somewhat ireggular periods but also to maintain borders to the premenstrual syndrome that I suffered from.

Years later, I read an article and Heaven only knows, where, which noted the horrible side-effects of these ‘pills’. Specifically regarding our ways of smelling. The article stated that women made a lof of ‘bad choices’ in choosing the right man for them mainly because the ‘pill’ made them smell differently than when without this type of medication. In finding a partner we apparently use our nose to smell which type is right for us.

So I spent my life taking a pill that not only messed up my cycli but also made me choose the wrong kind of men. I’m basically very concerned for that reason.

Looking back, this must have been the potential deadlock for numerous relationships that brought no avail. Or rather, no kids. And no permanent relations with one kind of guy. I’m glad that this has become clear to me, although it is with pain in my guts, that this awareness should arrive to me at such a late stage in life.

Somehow, I feel I could write a book about this state of urgency I’ve had all my life, up to 45. And wonder if this should provide some insights into womanhoods’ pains and choices. Luckily, I feel relieved now, at 55, that I’ve surpassed this stage. Although looking back, it does reveal a lot of vision about the way my life has turned out. And so, now it’s up to you… Ladies.

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On this site I describe my journey in the world in the written word. And also, what it is like to become a better person (oops). You will mainly find shorter blogposts from my tube here. The blogposts tell you a bit more about me. And they are not void of humor, action and romance. Read more about me.

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